Something in my father came from somewhere else. Not knowing what it was or where it came from, I just watched and marveled. I really wanted to hang out with him, but he was the minister of a large church and I always had to wait my turn. He was usually busy caring for others in the congregation. It seemed like he was always running.
"Running Man," drawing by Dan Zimmerman
I got to see him every day, but maybe being his firstborn son made me insatiable. He did make a point of giving me a hug and saying he loved me sometimes. Just the same, I thought someday I might finally get his full attention, have him all to myself, but that never happened. He was elusive, because he was busy caring for the whole world.
I remember an event that might illustrate this..
Desiring an audience with my father one day, I entered his study. He was seated at a large desk and there were shelves around filled with books. I called to him, but he was heavily absorbed, preparing for his sermon. And even though I kept calling, he never acted like he heard me or took his eyes off his work.
It was like I wasn't there. I wondered a lot about that afterwards. Ever since that day, it has been difficult for me to pray. I was never sure if..maybe God was preoccupied as well. But why? Why was God, I mean, Dad, so busy, why was he running? Did he think his time was short? Or was he only chasing something, or running away from something else?
I didn't think so. It was more significant to him than that, whatever it was. He was closing in on something and it made him luminous.
Suddenly, I knew I wanted the same thing - to be a man, a runner, and narrow in on what was my own peculiar destiny.
That must've been why he wouldn't talk sometimes. I mean, it's not like he could describe what he was doing.
My father was a man in constant motion, a man to whom ultimate meaning was all-important—a man desiring to care for the whole world, while missing those right next to him.
I still see him running. Not on a road, but rather in a labyrinth wondrous and dark. In a maze, you can get lost, but in a labyrinth, as long as you keep going forward, you will eventually get to the center.
He was narrowing in on something inside himself, running to be the man he already was.
Something I Must Do
There is something I must do.
It's going to take my whole life.
It's been sinking in for years.
It's going to take my whole life.
There is something I must do,
Something that I came for.
There is something I must do.
It's going to take my whole life.
It's been a puzzle now for years,
But I'm running out of time.
There is something I must do,
Something that I came for.
And if I die tomorrow
This job would not be done.
They can try to find replacements,
But they won't find anyone.
And if you die, believe me,
The same would hold for you.
Anyone they'd pick to do your job,
They'd never have a clue.
There is something I must do,
Something that I came for.
